pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
