So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
nutella sex= disaster
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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