I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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