cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
