Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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