Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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