I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
