You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
