You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Never underestimate the power of titties
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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