is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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