Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
