Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
