People in love make me want to vomit
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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