I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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