Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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