OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
