Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
