Whatcha textin bout Willis?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
