Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
