if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
