My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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