so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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