She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
