my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
