I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize