Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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