Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
