You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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