I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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