I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
