laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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