First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
