I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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