You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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