I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
