Just fell off a train. Bad.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
