listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
