woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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