Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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