Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They have beer where we have blood.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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