The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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