First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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