I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
