is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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