Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
