if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I need a hoe opinion
go on
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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