Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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