He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
