My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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