what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
