shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
