just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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