do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize