There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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