when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
