Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
