I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
