They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
