I accidentally had phone sex last night
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
