All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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