Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
