I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
