my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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