I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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