Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
