I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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