The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
