I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
