70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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